HAPPY BIRTHDAY LADY FRIEND!
I have some well warm wishes for you and your family!
But first my backstory on why I am saying happy birthday to a complete stranger online.
I was in 6th grade in 1997 and a curious news junkie already.
My mom never sheltered us from the news and let us watch any and everything news!
So I met you that year!
Something about your bubbly face framed by your gorgeous locks made me instantly like you, you were a little chunky like me too. And if a man like Bill Clinton was willing to throw his entire life away for a brief romance with you then you must have been some kind of wonderful!
Hilary I am with you because unfortunately I am a Bill. I allowed my childhood traumas and grief over the death of my mother drag me into the deepest depths of my despair and I cheated!
I felt horrid, wretched, like scum between my toes, pond scum, worse than pond scum even I felt evil!
The very day after my first sexual encounter with a man other than my husband I dragged hubs to therapy to confess, I couldn’t keep this secret and this lie I loved him, he is afterall my lobster.
We decided in that therapy session that due to my grief, his work schedule and the kids that there was just no time for physical intimacy between us. He actually factually agreed to let me pursue relationships outside our marriage if I A)never brought home an STD or baby B)was discreet enough the kids didn’t know.
Lies aren’t really my thing and hiding my emotions is next to impossible, my kids don’t know I cheated yet, when they are old enough to read this blog I guess we have a conversation then. Until then I carry the burden of fear that when they find out they will hate me and for a time our relationship will shatter. I will love them through it and I know their love for me will return when they achieve forgiveness until then I am afraid of how they will judge me and hurt for their father.
I am Pansexual.
If I have love for you and we are clicking and vibing chances are I find you physically attractive too. So…when I was seeking these other relationships I fell in love, over and over and over again trying to achieve my version of happy.
Soul crumbs, for those that were in the know when it happened and those whom it happened with, I love you! If I had love for you once even as a friend it kinda means I always got love for you. I forgive, so if we’ve had a falling out and you want back in just apologize. I do not however forget, I accept, heal, and grow from love!
Back to Monica it is after all her birthday, a day to celebrate her and her mother, the woman who brought her into this world!
Monica my mom took me on a trip to Washington D.C. when I was 13. We went with her cousin and daughter who was 12. That trip those memories and those women, my moms entire Jersey clan oh boy do I love them. Big big Soul Crumbs they take up so much space in my so filled heart!
Us girls being 12 & 13 and knowing all about current events because that’s how our mother’s raised us came up with 2 songs, diddies, jingles if you will during our time in D.C.
Penis penis penis I made you out of clay
And when your hard and ready I’ll fuck you right away!
Sung to the tune of dreidel dreidel dreidel, Have I told you I’m still salty hubs got Ashkenazi Jew in his 23 & Me results and I got bupkis for jewish heritage at least genetically speaking!
The other diddy was about you and Bill and as soon as me and my cousin piece back our memory of how it went I would love to share it with just you and Bill before I tell the world.
I don’t like to put people on blast on the interwebs or in real life unless I have to. So if I have a story or memory of you I want to share that includes your real name I will ask first. Some of my friends have just given me carte blanche to write about our times together. #SQUADGOALS
Now back to cheating, I took my wedding bands off on February 24th of 2017, they found their way back last summer. Hubs and I renewed our vows July 15th SAint Swithin’s Day. Friday one of Moles makes sure I can never take it off again, yes mamas getting ink and yes I’m doing the cheesy ass oh so common infinity symbol. I love infinity, to infinity and beyond! That’s how much I love my husband.
My tattoo artist is so down for this ink but he did the typical you know tattoos are permanent and fingers tattoos fade conversation I’m sure he gives all his clients.
Yes I know finger tattoos fade fast and need an annual touch up to really sparkle! Just like my wedding rings get cleaned and made to sparkle every 6 months my wedding band will need a touch up annually and god forbid if our love shall fade and he leaves me once and for all the tattoo will be a gentle reminder we were once so in love I was willing to get it etched onto my body and I can allow it to fade in time the same way we may. God I pray with all my soul he stays. I love him so!
HIlary I get you, you stayed! You dug your stubborn ass lady feet right into the ground and said fuck no your behaviors and actions will not break our bond and destory our family we will lean the fuck in and get through this shit together and you did it all with beauty and grace in the daunted and unrelenting eyes of the world. SLAY BITCH SLAY!
Monica back to you for one last diddy.
I spew, it’s what I do!
I had hyperemesis gravidarum for all 5 of my pregnancies from day one until about 10 days after birth, I have PCOS and wicked high estrogen levels. I had 3 miscarriages all boys, weeks 6-8, 8-10, and 10-12 respectively. My doctors had originally told hubs and I we had not only a whopping 50% chance of conceiving naturally but I only had a 15% chance to be able to carry a pregnancy to term! Hubs and I were getting our adoption scrapbook in place when we fell pregnant for the second time which made our Elder Wand! The fertility clinic called when she was 3 months old as the year they had given us to try and conceive naturally had past and they wanted to know if we wanted to schedule an intake. No thanks I said fighting back tears, I’m currently nursing my daughter. We don’t need your help anymore but thank you all so much for the help in the beginning!
This blog is a spew. As I write and listen to music and type this out or prewrite in my head I get emotional. I get nauseous. I even sometimes vomit. Thanks Hyperemesis PTSD!
Monica spew, and if you have things you want to say to the world but can’t take the shit they spew back let me be your shield and shelter, blog under my pseudonym or any other moniker you want! Get that shit out and fight back the hate turned your way by simply doing you and living your best life. Also I know your personal business ventures haven’t always turned out great because of peoples wicked opinion of a 20 something who would dare to desecrate the Oval Office and have sex (in any form) with a married man. Sis I got your back, want to sell purses again let’s do this shit, sell under my brand and nonprofit anonymously and we can set up whatever charitable fund you want with your portion of the proceeds beyond your salary!!!